Put Up Or Shut Up

so i don't know why i only post when i'm not feeling quite 100%, and i'm sorry about that, but oh well. not a whole lotta time now that i'm in college, and i guess the only time i really need to write anything down is when i'm angsting.

i just miss liz so fucking much. it's retarded. why do we have to be apart at all? it really isn't fair. i care about her so much, more than anything else, so you would think that the world would let us be next to each other always. but sadly, that is not the case. now, we're doing great with the whole long distance thing - we talk all the time, which is good, and we always know what's going on with the other, and we even see each other via webcam. so we really are doing great, and i think our relationship is still growing even though we're apart. it's just hard. and especially when school stuff is being stressful/discouraging. like we always have to write a composition for the week that meets certain specifications set by our professor, and i'm just not nearly as good at that as i am at writing pop songs. so it's tough for me. for this week we were supposed to set a text to music, so i did "do not go gentle into that good night" by dylan thomas, one of my favorite poems of all time. and i dunno, like, my song is ok, but it's not great, and it just felt kinda forced when i wrote it. and i never like that, because that's never the best kind of art. and i understand that, to be a good composer, you have to be versatile and able to write in many different styles, often on demand, but it's just so tough. i probably sound like a whiny bitch, but who cares. i'm saying what i feel. that's what this journal is for. : P

so yeah, i'm just a bit frustrated with comp right now. my semester composition is coming along awesomely, because it's a piano rock song, but i can't only write piano rock and pop-punk forever, because that's not versatility. but i dunno. just all this plus all the other work i have coming up and the fact that i never really do anything other than work and fuck around on my computer and wish i were at berklee or producing and recording myself instead, it adds up.

i miss liz. she needs to come back from new york and live in my pocket. then i can see her whenever i want and everything would be wonderful and perfect like it's supposed to be.

but soon enough, that will be the case! only four more years. then we can start our lives together. but i just wish four years were right now.

poo.

college.

i don't know what it's supposed to be like. the movies would have you believe it's one drunken party after another and hardly anyone studies and blah blah shit shit. that's true for some people, i suppose. but a horribly overdone stereotype. honestly, who even finds that enjoyable? i don't fucking know. whatever.

anyways. wesleyan is pretty much your typical college campus, and the people on it are basically the people you would expect to see at college based on stereotypes from movies and tv. i'm not even fucking with you, it's kind of weird sometimes. and it's a really hard adjustment. like, we're talking tough. and i don't know if it's harder because i have liz and we're doing the long-distance thing while trying to get acquainted with our new surroundings, but it's definitely more difficult than i thought it would be. it's probably harder because my heart isn't here, it's in new york. : P but it's been tough, that's for sure. hard to find people i can consider real friends, hard to know what to do on a friday night or a saturday night, hard to homework and still practice my ass off every damn day. it's all pretty hard. it seems kinda hard if you don't drink. if you're a partyer, you're all good - there are frat parties abound, and at every one you can get your fill of stupid drunk people and potheads and all that joyousness. but i don't know. it's hard getting used to new surroundings.

i feel like i would fit in better at berklee. with people who were more like me. people who were alternative, edgier, who wanted more than the typical college experience. all musicians, most of them playing contemporary styles of music, being formally instructed in how to record and produce music, etc. so i'm considering trying to transfer. reapplying, reauditioning, restressing myself out. it could be worth it; who knows? i'm going to for sure wait out at least the semester before i make any decisions, but it's definitely an option. i just don't know if wesleyan is the place for me.

and then today, i hear all of these same sentiments coming from my girlfriend, minus the wesleyan personality and transferring. she's having a really hard time making friends, she misses me like hell (and those feelings are certainly reciprocated), she doesn't know what to do with herself, she's not sure NYU is the place she thought it was (something i had expressed anxiety about earlier in my lj), etc. etc. it's scary shit. and the scariest part is i have no fucking idea what to do or say. i'm 900 miles away, sitting here in my bloomington illinois dorm room, doing my fucking best to comfort her over the phone, and i don't even know if what i'm saying is making a difference. i'm doing my best though, because we're all each other has, essentially. sure, i'm pretty good friends with my roommate, but i can't really talk to him about that kinda stuff just because it would feel weird, and liz is the single most important thing in the world to me, and it kills me, it breaks my heart to hear her so sad and lonely. i don't know what to do.

why is this so stupid and difficult? why does the world have to throw us curve balls that seem so impossible to hit, pitches thrown to a coachless batter? how the fuck are we supposed to know what to do when we're only 18 years old, living in a world that is so hard to understand?

ugh. someone give me some guidance. or something.

i just want this to be better.

i feel a bit lost.  or something.  i'm not sure what.

this college stuff is just eating me up, though.  a lot.  it's so hard to decide...  i really don't even know what the deciding factor will be.  ugh.  this is stupid.  i should have gotten into berklee......  i think it's because i'm not hardcore enough.  i don't mean to sound like a douchebag, but i think i may have been too smart and not "virtuoso" enough.  whatever.  i'll probably reapply next year and hopefully i'll get in and i can transfer if i still want to go there.

i just have to figure out what i'm going to do for now.  it's probably going to be either wesleyan or depauw.

besides all the college shit, it's really hard to be motivated about school anymore.  i'm feelin' the senioritis bad.  *sigh*  i just have to suck it up and keep doing the work so i can actually go to college.  heh.

i'm also still a little worried about liz and i.  i found a new facet to my worries that i knew had been there but i hadn't been able to put my finger on it - i'm kind of worried she'll get too independent and realize she doesn't need me anymore or something...  but i need her so bad.  and i think she needs me too.  i'm just a little scared.  ugh.

i still have like 4 months left.  i'll make the most of them!!!  it's just so hard because we hardly see each other without discussing it any more.  why?!  because.  we're thoughtful people, that's why.

fuck.

and by the way, the sky decided to tear apart and spill its guts to me tonight.  i saw its deepest, darkest secrets!  and i'll tell you what it is: illinois weather is fucked.

woo-hoo!  i'm going to bed.  i'm tired as all get-out.

so liz and i's six month anniversary was yesterday!!  woooo!!  it's kind of crazy, and it's hard to believe that it's been that long, but at the same time it really went by quickly.  i really am in love and it's wonderful, but i'm still definitely scared about next year.  just not being able to be with liz for the three weeks that hagen was here has kind of taken a toll on me - i really miss her a lot and i don't like it.  but i still have a lot of faith in our relationship that we'll be able to make it anyways.  we're strong and we will stay strong.  it's still natural to be worried, though...

i just wish there were some kind of certainty involved.  something tangible to assure me that everything will be ok, like knowing that the sun will rise every morning and set every night - that's quite reassuring.  but there's not really anything like that here.  i'm not trying to sound melodramatic, i'm just trying to tell it like it is.  i love liz very much, but college is scary whether or not we have a long-distance relationship.  and while i know that she feels the same way about me as i feel about her, i can't help but be apprehensive.  however, i'm absolutely willing to do whatever it takes, no matter what, through the good and the bad, forever.  i know that this is for real, and i'm not giving it up for anything, so i suppose that's the best mentality to have through it all.

fuck, six months is a pretty long time, but it's really not that much in the grand scheme of things, and i'm looking forward to tons of more six months with this girl because dammit, she's the one.  i just wish college didn't have to get in the way...  : P

whatever.  you've heard this all before.  but it's just what goes through my head.  i miss her right now, so it's hard to think of all that much else.  i want her to come back so we can cherish every moment we have together for the next five months.  i want her to know how much i love her so that she can bring that to nyu with her, and so that i can bring her love wherever my studies take me.  i want to be with her forever, and i know this.  now it's just a matter of making sure that everything turns out right.

this post was much more introspective and emo than it was originally intended to be.  i was going to say "yay!  six months!" and some other shit like that, but alas, my mind does tend to wander, and wander it will.

i just really don't like talking on the phone that much.  real human contact is so much better.  *shrug* i suppose i'll get used to talking on the phone, huh?  four years...

(on a side note, hagen left!  which leaves me with a mix of sadness and a little bit of relief.  he was awesome, for sure, but i really missed being alone with liz)

spring break has been great so far!  i love it!

this is a mini-post to promote hagen and i's awesome youtube video!  everyone should watch it stat.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=lOvN14nZS2c

enjoy!!

wow it's been a while since i've posted....

let's see.  why do i have a complete lack of motivation to do basically anything related to high school?  other than the play stuff, that is.  i don't know!!  it's retarded though, and i wish it would stop.  because it's really depressing me.  like a lot.  and then i stayed home sick today and it was just worse because i know i should have started that goddamn brave new world project but again, no fucking motivation!  and i miss liz cuz we haven't really done anything in i don't know how long, and it's stupid because i want to focus all my attention on her, but i still have high school to deal with.  blah.

it's fucking stupid, that's what it is.  stupid and unfair.  i kinda just wanna focus on getting college stuff done, the musical, and liz.  but that's not possible because i still have to get good grades.  so for now i'll continue being weirdly depressed (i'm sure this not-motivation thing isn't the only problem) and i'll suck it up and try to study for psych and kick the brave new world project's ass.

ta-ta.

to  kelsey and emily:  thanks for the advice/kind words regarding the last post - i was feeling very angsty and depressed, and i return with a fresh view on it.  sort of.

i'm ok with her going.  i love her a lot and i want her to be happy above everything else.  but there are a few things about it i still don't like.

1. it's far from illinois and not even that close to boston.
2. it's new york.  scary.  i don't want her living (essentially) alone in new york.
3. she'll be away from me.  which i don't like.  i have this stupid weird insecurity that she'll fall for someone else, or something, because she's too awesome.  i dunno.  stupid insecurity.  i don't know if that part of me will ever go away...  stupid poo.  whatever.
4. i don't want her to be disappointed.  this is everything she's wanted, and if she gets there and it isn't she'll be heartbroken, which will break my heart.

i just hope everything works out.  i'm still scared, but i'm totally ready to savor every single second we have together until then.  so bring it on!

i got final fantasy tactics: the war of the lions for psp today, and it kicks major ass.  it is really hard and tough to learn, but i'm getting the hang of it and it's quite addicting.  i'm putting it down for the night so i can sleep or else i never will....  i'm starting to understand why brandon never sleeps.  : P

in any case (as jcheng would say) enjoy the rest of your break and i'll hopefully see some of you soon!

so.

looks like liz is almost certainly going to attend NYU in the fall, which is absolutely fantastic for her, but kind of sucks ass for us. i'm scared, to say the least. and i probably shouldn't be... i have so much faith in our relationship. i know i'm completely in love with her, and she's completely in love with me, and i have faith that we will last forever (fuck you if you think i'm crazy). but it still scares the shit out of me. if i go to IWU we'll be, what, 1,000 miles apart? which is fucking ridiculous! plane tickets are expensive, meaning we won't see each other that much (if we're lucky major holidays) and it scares me, it really does. i think we'll make it through anything, but her being that far away from me worries me... i'm not exactly sure what i'm worried about, though. worried (perhaps) that she'll find someone else, which she assures me won't happen, and i believe her, but i sometimes think: why would this amazing, hot, awesome, smart girl pick me, out of everyone she could date?  she assures me that she is completely in love with me, and i completely believe her, but it just seems so crazy...  but maybe that's what love is.  blind faith in what may seem completely irrational and insane.  and if that's what love is, i'm willing to accept it, but god.  it's fucking hard to depend on something totally abstract.  and it's so hard to think of what it'll be like a year from now when i'm in college and she's in college.  god only knows what is going to happen.  and i wish i knew what will happen.  but i have faith that we'll make it through everything and come out on the other end alive and ready to spend our lives together.  i don't give a shit if this whole post sounds like an angsty, idealistic, lovestruck teenager writing down a bunch of disconnected pointless musings, because i just need to write down what i'm thinking and feeling because i need to do something and i'm pretty sure i can't sleep right now.

if i go to berklee, in boston, we'll only be five hours away.  not too bad, right?  and liz says that there's an amtrak that runs from new york to boston for something like 90 bucks for a two-way ticket.  ok, i think i could handle that.  but still, who's to know when we'd have time to see each other?  it's fucking scary, man.  it really is.  i love that girl more than anything, and i want us to work more than anything, but it's really really tough to rely on that.  maybe i'm blowing this out of proportion.  i don't know.  but liz is a huge part of my life; it is impossible to imagine it without her at this point.  and college is four years of my life - four years is a long fucking time.  we're not talking like a weekend.  or three weeks in germany.  we're talking a considerable chunk of my time on earth thus far.  i want to spend it all with her.  and we just talked for like an hour about it and it was intense but dude, she's in virginia.  so yay for having important conversations halfway across the country (not)!  i don't know what will make it better.

oh yeah, i forgot to mention the fact where being in love means you can't be selfish.  so i have to think of her in all of this, because, fuck, it's about her.  it's her college decision we're talking about.  i haven't even been accepted, haven't even auditioned yet.  so let's talk about how this is her dream school.  she found it!  it's hers!  everything she wants in a college she has found in NYU.  so it's almost impossible for me to tell her not to go - i can't.  it's about her, it's her decision, it has to be what's best for her because i can't be selfish enough to tell her to stay because of me.  if we break up (curse that fucking day, if it ever comes) and she stayed because of me, it'd be like the plot of a shitty romantic comedy and she'd resent herself/me forever.  so it's real tough for me to say "oh liz, won't you stay for me? *puppy eyes*" cuz that's ridiculous.  so i'm being supportive because god, i really do want her to be happy no matter what.  but i want to be happy too.  and of course she's considered me in all of this because we are a huge source of each other's happiness, but the decision can't be based on me.  she has to think about the fact that this school is everything she wanted, and it would be bordering on foolish for her to pass up the opportunity.  i just hope she isn't disappointed....  ugh i would hate to see her disappointed after all this deliberation.  if she gets there and it's not what she expected or what she wants i'll be heartbroken, and probably not half as much as she'd be.  that'd be even more terrible.  *shudders*  what a fucking mess, huh?

and of course i'm happy cuz yay christmas!!  but it's hard to be really really happy like i usually am with all of this shit looming overhead.  and it is looming.  let me tell you.  like.  aliens in their big-ass UFO's overhead looming.  with the shadows and everything.  there are literally shadows above my house!  that are in the shape of the letters "NYU".  it's an odd phenomenon, let me tell you.  i think i'll phone the local news stations.  get some camera crews and shit.  but in all seriousness.  i love christmas!  and i am excited, don't get me wrong.  but it's kinda hard to think about christmas happiness when college is trying to take my girl away from me.  not cool, college!  fuck you!  (side note: i'm going to write a song called "fuck nyu" and a whole EP of songs cursing the establishment.  and i'm only half kidding)

but i am also applying to NYU.  so maybe i'll get in and love it too!  that way at least we'll be closer.  but we also discussed that and how it'd probably be tough to see each other very often no matter where we go because we'll both be so busy and wrapped up in our own shit - i mean, it's really like starting our own lives.  it's nuts.  god, it's so hard to even grasp the concept.  but i have a lot of faith in our relationship, and i think we'll make it through anything.  and (god forbid) should anything happen to our relationship liz said that, if it's meant to be, we'll eventually find our way back to each other and end up happy after all, which is true, i'm sure of it.  i just hope it doesn't come to that.  i love her.  a lot.  and i hope that all ends well...

i'm a very optimistic person.  and i have hope that everything will turn out for the better and how it's supposed to, but that doesn't change the fact that i'm scared right now.  and i hope more than anything that liz and i make it through this.

god, why does college have to be so scary?  and "life-altering"?  seriously, fuck it.  let's all just go on tour.  i'll provide the music.  you'll provide the roadie duties.  it'll rock.  like our own little circus.  but music.  so it's better.  : D

if you read the whole thing (rambling and incoherent as it may be), props to you.  let me know what you think.  any advice, comfort, anything.

[here's where i would put lyrics that apply to my situation but i can't think of any...  i'm tired and shaken up]

love,
mark

p.s. don't get the wrong idea - i'm not super depressed or anything.  just had to write down how i was feeling.  take it how you will.

happiness is wonderful... as is the christmas season. and music.

you know what isn't wonderful? having to go to school still. don't get me wrong, i definitely like school still and i love learning, it's just... i'm starting to feel the senioritis. i don't really have much motivation to do anything school related except band and speech team. it sucks. i don't necessarily like it, but it is what it is... i just don't want to do it anymore. i feel like i should get a well-deserved break, which will come soon, but now the teachers love piling on the long-term stuff right before finals (bitches). whatever. it's not too much longer! and i think i'll be ok till winter break.

also, i don't have much motivation to practice for my auditions for college... i don't know what that is really, either. i've never had much motivation to practice the piano period, and now is really no exception except that i have to or else i won't go to college... but i don't know. my classical training isn't really needed in what i plan to go into so i don't know why i have to have this intense classical repertoire memorized for my auditions when i probably won't even use it. of course it's good to know, and i will never forget how to play piano, that's ridiculous. i just don't really see the need. i want to be either a music producer or a composer, hopefully with film-scoring, and knowing a bach prelude and fugue from memory will not do me much good in those regards. it just seems a bit flawed to me. but i need to suck it up and start practicing lots because my first audition is in two months. i'll be fine, i'm sure. i'm just a bit fed up with it right now.

but it's ok! life is absolutely wonderful. many good things are happening for me, and i'm pretty sure i'm perpetually happy. which is cool! and i just discovered a great new band, we the kings. so check them out!

i'm off to bed/calc studying for now. bye!

i am soo happy. you don't even know. everything seems to be going really well...

state is saturday, and despite mucho stress because of the stupid-ass psych project (stupid poo) i'm really excited!

and liz is so amazing... ahhhh. like srsly. i'm super super happy. : )

i don't really know what else to say.... happy fall!

life is awesome.

awesome awesome awesome.

i'm so happy right now, not even my shitty psych/econ homework can get me down!

life is just definitely looking up. i'm super excited for vshow auditions, but a little nervous... i'm going to be playing "remembering sunday" by all time low. it's a really great song, and i'm pretty well-rehearsed on it, so i think i'll get in. it's really exciting!

and other things in life are exciting! like liz and homecoming! both of which were/are awesome.

*sigh* yay.

however, college applications/auditions are still looming overhead.... ugh.

but that won't rain on my parade of happiness for now!! muah hah!

i feel kinda... not good about doing impromptu again. don't get me wrong, i really liked it last year, and i was good at it, but i really don't know if i want to do it for another year. and i don't know if it's fair that i don't even get a shot at doing something else. granted, i don't even know if i'd have the time for it or be good at it, but i think i deserve a shot.

whatever. maybe i won't double enter? i love radio a lot. i just don't really feel that way about impromptu, and if i do two events, it'd be nice if i could love them both. i suppose we'll see what happens. i just... wish i knew what i wanted to do for sure so i could at least give doc a good argument.

i think i'm too complacent. i always just do whatever the hell people want and i hardly ever object and i hardly ever give my opinion if i think other people won't like it. but that's always been my problem. so i dunno if now is the time to fix it. or if i even can. maybe i should tell doc what i really want though. but she probly won't even listen! she'll give me some bullshit about something, and i'll probly just agree with her and everything will stay the same.

*fume*

is good right now.

i'm happy! we read lots of awesome stories in english class, not to mention mr. mayne is really really cool. i also love calc, mr. witek is insane and awesome.

also... other things are going well. i have a date to homecoming that seems to be turning into a relationship, which makes me happy and i think is good for me.

vshow is coming up. don't know if i wanna do an original song or a cover... gotta figure that out soon.

marching band rocks, too! and speech is starting soon!

just.... everything's so damn busy.

^ that's basically the tune of the school year. every year. does it ever change?!

oh well. life's good!

ps. yay for spastic post!

so i'm about scared to death about college. it's scary.

i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing, or what i want to do, or anything really. i really want to do music, but there's so much extra shit music majors have to do, it's ridiculous and unfair. not to mention, to be a composition major you have to submit compositions for like half the schools, which is also bullshit, because hello! you're going to school to learn how to write music! if you already knew, what's the point? it's like "hey, you're gonna be a creative writing major, so it'd be cool if you could submit a book." huh? yeah, that's right, cuz that doesn't happen!

ugh!

oh well. i suppose i'll be alright. i just have to.... figure something out. it's just scary as hell.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm diddley.

i play the fiddley?

...

first day of school today. it was good! basically like what i expected, but not as bad.

got home with no homework, so i played guitar and did other relaxing things. then i decided to read old AIM convos and got reminiscent. i do that a lot.

i hate missing things that happened in the past, you know? especially ones that you know probably won't happen again, and you want to remember them, or you want them not to have ended, so you reminisce about them and you're sad, or reminiscent, or whatever your mood is, but nothing really cures you of that desire to relive or redo what happened. i hate that feeling, because it makes me feel like i shouldn't pursue the present which, of course, is silly. but oh well. it's how i feel sometimes. usually before i'm going to bed, sometimes lying awake - sometimes it keeps me awake. i hope that's normal. i think it is, though.

so. that's about all i can write on the subject right now. i would like to write more on it later, but i'm tired...

so goodnight!

<3 mark

1. Put Your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter how ugly it sounds.
PS: If something's in brackets ([]), it's a personal note from me.

If someone says "Is this okay?" you say:
Do They Know it's Halloween?

How would you describe yourself?
Pressure

What do you like in a guy/girl?
Handle This [?]

What is your life's purpose?
Our Lucid Dream [uhh....]

What is your motto?
You've Made Us Conscious

What do your parents think of you?
The Night Life [yeah right. lol]

What do you think about often?
Chicago Is So Two Years Ago

What is two plus two?
New Architects

What do you think of your best friend?
From Below [uhhhhhh]

What do you think of the person you like?
Gone [god that's depressing.... hah]

What's your life story?
Different Wings

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Remain Nameless [wow, depressing again]

What do you think when you see the person you like?
Like A California King [that's just wrong...]

To what song will you dance at your wedding?
Hold On [actually sort of fitting]

What song will be played at your funeral?
It's So Simple [not sure what to think about that one]

What is your hobby/interest?
Cute Without the "E" (Cut From The Team)

What is your biggest fear?
Four Chord Wonder [not really scary]

What is your biggest secret?
I'm Not that Girl (Reprise) [LOL!!!!]

What do you think about when you go to bed?
Fireman & Policeman & Miniature Golf Course Security Guard [lol!! that's messed up]

What do you dream about?
Can't Take This

What do you say to your bf/gf after they kiss you?
Popular [uhh...]

What do you think about when your sad?
Smash [alrighty then...]


So that was fun, huh? Well i finally got a new phone and it's really sweet. And summer's going well. Not a whole lot happening. HARRY POTTER 5 IS AMAZING, BY THE WAY. SEE IT. MULTIPLE TIMES. Yeah.

Umm. Summer is amazing. More to come later, perhaps.

alrighty!

so last night plus 44 and fall out boy were AMAZING!!! it was SUCH an awesome show! so much energy and fantastic music and MARK HOPPUS AND TRAVIS BARKER. AHH!

it was definitely worth it by far. plus was a lot better than the last time we saw them and they played THE ROCK SHOW and karenina and i almost had a heart attack. srsly.

other than that, life's been pretty good. gym is ok so far, i had one day of it but it's all good cuz i have some friends in it. it could be worse.

hmm. uhh. yeah. i guess that's it!

so summer is going on!! and it's insane. i can't believe it's finally here. the year was insane, it was like a whirlwind of craziness. amazing, though. lots of good stuff happened.

i've been reminiscing a lot today... it's interesting. it's sometimes good. sometimes bad. i dunno. today it's pretty neutral. i just really miss stuff... sometimes i wish i could know the outcome of something before it starts... lol but then again, i don't think i would change anything.

eh. i don't know. i'm just rambling now.

summer's good!!

From Emily.


Post anything that you want, and post it anonymously. Anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love, something you've always wanted to say to me -- anything. Nobody will know who you are, so be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post as many times as you'd like. Then, put this in your LJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your LJ) have to say.